i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
