I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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