my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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