He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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