I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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