The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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