Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
