I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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