God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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