somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
tell me about the fingering
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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