Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
