I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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