im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
