I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
