woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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