I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
