i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
