The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
