Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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