saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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