I wish I could punch you in the face.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
