Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
