drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
