the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I still have a little drunk in my system
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
