barbara walters just said penis...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The uberlube is also flammable
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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