There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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