Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
