I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
