He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize