Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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