my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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