When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
