i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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