I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
