Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
