When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
