Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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