When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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