I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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