Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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