ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
