well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
