so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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