If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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