Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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