Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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