WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
