bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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