i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
