while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
