when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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