Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
