Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
