my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
