Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
