I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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