Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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