so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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