if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
