just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
