sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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