How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
