Having a random hookup so left but love u
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
