I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
