Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize